My journal

Still working on that update I swear. I actually finished drawing something for it recently.

I started playing the English localisation of Ensemble Stars Music.
I actually played a bit of the original game in Japanese when it first came out in 2015. I didn't play it much at all because there was no actual gameplay and the story was partial voice. The me of 2015 was even worse at Japanese than I am now and I didn't have the patience for it at all. So I didn't continue playing it.

Now with the English localisation it's a lot more easily accessible for me, so I decided to give it another shot. I'm enjoying it so far. It has gameplay now since Enstars Music is a rhythm game, and the main story is full voice this time. And of course I don't have to struggle to read Japanese even for the partial voiced stories like the event stories.

I have honestly been interested in giving Enstars another chance for a while because I often hear secondhand info about the story and what some of the characters are like and it sounded right up my alley. So the English version just gave me the perfect excuse to finally dive in.

There's so many new characters since 2015, and I hardly knew much about the original cast to begin with. So I really am just now finding my favourites. So far I am most interested in Eichi and Kazehaya. Eichi because of all the secondhand info I've heard about him. I love a good villain, what I've heard sounds neat. Also CV: Midorikawa Hikaru. And Kazehaya just because I am a sucker for men of the cloth, and just (fictional) Christian men in general.

In total honesty, I like that the protagonists of the main story aren't Trickstar this time. I think Alkaloid are way more interesting. So far I like all the members of Alkaloid quite a lot except for Aira. I don't dislike him I just find him a bit boring so far. I'm still only part way through the story though, so that might change.

If anyone reading this is playing the English version you're welcome to add me as a friend in the game. My code is 8011836619.

Also if you're bored, here's a fun little trivia quiz that's Enstars related:
Who Said It: Classical Russian Literature, or Ensemble Stars?

Someone please give me the energy and creativity needed to finish the revamp of my website. I really want to get it done but I just can't. I'm so lacking in good ideas.

Also, I don't know if it's because of my weakening mental state, getting older, or both but... I can't seem to really do the whole joining a public chatroom (ex. Discord) and actively participating in it anymore. I can't imagine it now, but years ago I was able to. I even managed to make my closest friends through it.

Maybe I could possibly if it were a server with only older people in it. I really don't think I can keep up with the young ones anymore. Their energy is too much for this old geezer now.

Also speaking directly towards people is just tiring in general as well. I do moreso prefer talking in ways like in this blog, or social medias like birdsite for example. That you just throw statements and opinions into the open void and maybe some people will see those statements, but they most of the time are not directed at anyone. It's a lot more comfortable.

Speaking of birdsite... I would really love to move away from using it honestly. But I just can't. I try using alternatives. I've had several different accounts on Fediverse instances. But it's lonely because I feel like no one has the same hobbies and interests as me there. I can easily find people into the same niche things as me on birdsite but I don't even know if anyone with the same interests as me even exists anywhere on the Fediverse. So I always end up getting bored and disappearing from it. Thank you and sorry to all the like 3 or 4 people who were kind enough to follow me on there. I'm unfortunately a captive to the dreaded birdsite. I dunno maybe I'll come back to Fedi at some time.

I've been working on a visual overhaul of my site at a snail's pace. I kinda didn't wait to do any new updates with this current look before finishing the overhaul, but with how long I'm taking... I'd rather not leave for more than 3 months without a single update, haha.

For the longest time I've sort of tried to not let my more negative thoughts or downer attitude come out too much in my journal entries (until the post on 02/24) but I don't really know why exactly. Maybe I didn't want that sort of thing to become my image. Maybe I didn't want any of my friends who know about my website to extend their sympathy towards me. I don't mind talking about my dissatisfactions with myself or the environment around me towards no one in particular. But I don't really like talking about it with someone. It's quite tiring. Especially if they start trying to give advice about things. I do of course appreciate the sentiments behind the sympathy and advice, but it's really not what I want. I'd rather people just silently read me spew my thoughts out into the abyss.

Also I don't really like upsetting those who care about me by talking about myself and my feelings in a way that upsets them. My feelings have grown very cold and dissonant at this point so when I say upsetting things about myself it seems to just upset those around me much more than it upsets myself. I should be very grateful for having several people who care about me that much. It's truly a luxury that not everyone is blessed with. I definitely take them for granted.

In other news, I'm still just as obsessed with vtubers as ever. I've been learning about some cool older songs from my old man oshi Leos Vincent which is cool. The song in this entry's music of the day I learned about from him. Whenever he talks about music it's usually always songs from the 90s and early 00s. I really like learning about old things from him. He did watchalong streams of the Heisei Gamera films too, which was neat. They were very interesting. I'm thankful to him because I probably never would have watched those films otherwise. I can't decide whether I liked the 2nd or 3rd film best. The 1st was good too but it can't top the others. It was cool hearing random behind-the-scenes facts about the films while watching them from either Leos or his viewers.

You can tell just from a brief look at this website that I like old things, but I also like old people too. Love u Leos♡ (not gachikoi)

I'm so sorry that I seem incapable of doing any updates other than journal entries these days. I want to fix this behaviour soon.

I'm also sorry but not sorry that this entry is about vtubers again.
Nijisanji EN got a new generation already. It's a group of 5 young men again. I wonder if we're ever going to get a mixed gender generation in EN. I really hope so, I love mixed gender generations. They've hardly been around for long at all so far so I can't say much. But let's say there's some members of the generation I like so far, and some I don't like quite as much. I won't speak too openly about my disliked members though, I don't want to be too negative about them publically just in case anyone reading this likes them.

As for who I like, I've placed some hopes in Sonny Brisko. I'm still not quite sure how much I'm going to like him, he's only done just 4 streams so far. I really want to like him though. He's the first EN vtuber I've personally come across who understands something very fundimentally important to me in regards to vtubers. So far he's only ever referred to the appearance of himself we see on stream as his own body, and his own face. Never saying that dreaded word "model" or referring to his appearance as his "design." It makes me very happy to hear an EN vtuber like this. It seems like he's not very used to streaming and is struggling a little bit, I hope he can get used to things soon. I hope that he'll continue to be the kind of vtuber that I like. If he does continue on this path there's a chance I could possibly have a 6th oshi. Even though 5 already feels like way too many, haha.

Thank you very much for reading, I appreciate it. I want to write more interesting things but all I know how to do is talk about my interests.

Sometimes I wonder why I am such a terribly dull person.

Watching vtubers (this isn't going to turn into a vtuber focused post hear me out) has kept me exposed to so many interesting people recently. So many of them are all so very interesting and have so many stories to tell. To be fair to myself though, being entertainers they were absolutely chosen in part due to being interesting individuals. Though even disregarding professional entertainers, I read posts and writings of people here on Neocities, normal everyday people, and even they are all so interesting. Or at least they're good at presenting themselves as being interesting within their writing.

Despite my age of ■■ years, I feel like I hardly have a single story to tell. I'm so severely lacking in life experience. Maybe it could partially have to do with how private I am. I felt tempted to say especially on the internet because of the internet safety my father drilled into my head as a child, but I'm extremely private in person too. The difference is what I'm willing to share between the two. On the internet I scarcely share details of my personal life, and in person I next to never talk about my interests. I seem to have some sort of mental block regarding talking about my interests in person. I feel it's likely due to childhood trauma but who knows. It's genuinely physically difficult.

Lately when I watch Youtubers, I tend to enjoy watching people who excel at something. Maybe a skill. Maybe they have a vast wealth of knowledge on a particular subject. People like that, who can do things I can't imagine myself putting in the effort to learning to do, or putting in the amount of hours of research necessary to become so well-versed in a subject. I can't help but feel somewhat envious of it. So many people are out there, working hard towards something. I'm just sitting here accomplishing nothing.

I've felt like trying my hand at writing fictional stories recently, but I'm horrible at English. My vocabulary is so painfully limited. I don't feel like I could ever write something I'd be satisfied with as I am now. So I've yet to do anything. Reading books would probably be a good idea to help this, but my ability to focus on anything lately is so poor. I can hardly bring myself to do much of anything. I have ideas, but I do nothing.

I've been ignoring my mental health for a long time just letting things stew. I think it's finally catching up to me. Haha...
I can't bring myself to do anything about that either though.

I just realised something. Aren't journals normally for chronicalling(idk if i spelled that right) your daily life? I haven't been doing that at all. This is closer to a blog than a journal in feeling I guess. I do really like the diaries and journals of other people that share things about their lives because it's interesting to look through a window into the lives of people from far and wide who I haven't met and probably will never meet.

I'm generally a very private person though, and seldom share details of my life even with people I consider myself relatively close to. So I personally wouldn't feel very comfortable doing a journal in that style, even if it's something that I enjoy reading myself. These kinds of introspective posts are interesting too though. They let you get to know the writer in a bit of a different way than hearing about their daily life. I try to write these kinds of entries here and there because I think it's much more interesting for the average reader than to read me prattling on about my niche hobbies. That's just fun for me, haha.

I really like personal websites that give you a good idea of what kind of person the webmaster/mistress is. Or at least the parts of themself that they want people to see. Personal websites really are wonderful in that you can get a much clearer idea of what a person is like from their webpage than you ever could with a modern social media profile. That's what every person who's into old fashioned personal website building says though. I've very likely already said it in at least one or two instances on this website already, haha. It is lovely though.

I really want to update my about page. But I don't want to touch it at all until I draw a new self image picture. I'm not happy with the old picture at all now because my personal idea of myself has changed a lot since I drew that. I'm still happy with it as a drawing, but it doesn't really represent me anymore. Drawing is hard though. I've tried a few times but I can't draw something I'm pleased with. I guess I'll have to keep trying.

cw: sexual harassment (over the internet)

This is something I've been thinking about a bit for a little while now. I feel like having a little rant about it. Though since I haven't watch the persons I'll be mostly mentioning in a little while my information may be old and things could have (hopefully) improved.

As mentioned in a previous journal entry, Nijisanji EN had its first male vtubers debut recently. A group of 5 men. And there was something that really took me by surprise. The sheer amount of very directly sexual comments they received from viewers. Two of them had it particularly bad. Some of the comments were so bad I can't repeat them here without feeling like I would need to up the age rating of my website.

While I have occasionally seen some sexually harassing comments towards the Japanese male vtubers I watch, I've never seen anything even near to the extent that the EN boys received. Since I didn't really ever watch any English speaking vtubers before, out of curiosity I asked a friend who does if he sees viewers being this horrible to any girl vtubers. According to what he's seen viewers are generally respectful towards the girls.

Why is it that these boys received so many terribly disrespectful comments? I can't understand it myself. Is it because they're men? Is it because people think that because they're men, they would just be fine with it? At least it didn't seem to me that the guy receiving the worst of it minded, in fact he was definitely encouraging that behaviour, which I have mixed feelings about...

It makes me sad seeing it though. Assuming that someone would be okay with those sorts of comments just because they're a man is so wrong. It's so wrong that I think it's ridiculous that it would even need to be said at all. One of my favorite Japanese vtubers Mayuzumi, who is a man, has actually explicitly said that he isn't okay and isn't comfortable with anything sexual beyond like, the occasional light-hearted dirty joke. Both Mayuzumi and the Nijisanji EN Vox who has been getting the worst of it, have a deep and attractive sounding cool voice. This voice (I think) is the main reason that Vox has been getting the worst of it. It really saddens me that in an alternate world if Mayuzumi had debuted as an EN he would have received such awful disrespectful comments that likely would have made him very uncomfortable.

I did say earlier that Vox encourages such behaviour, but all the sexual comments towards him were ridiculous even before he was very obviously encouraging it. And I haven't mentioned yet Luca, who wasn't receiving it as badly as Vox, but still bad. The primary reason that Luca was receiving sexually harassing comments so badly, was because of the size of his chest... Imagine if he were a woman and were receiving an absurdly large amount of comments about her large chest.

Of course there is a difference in power dynamic between female > male sexual harassment compared to male > female sexual harassment. But both are still wrong. And obviously not all of the harassers are female, but it can probably be assumed that a majority are. This is just my thoughts but I think it's likely a lot of these harassers are probably children, more specifically teenagers, who haven't realised or been taught yet that this isn't acceptable behaviour. Maybe this is just my wishful thinking that doesn't want to believe full grown adults would act this inappropriately though. I wish that someone with a platform would step up and teach these kids that it isn't okay to assume men would all be okay with this.

This is why I have mixed feelings about Vox openly encouraging this behaviour. It's okay that he doesn't personally mind it, that's fine. I'm worried for any future men who debut though. I don't want everyone to have to deal with such disrespect.

In conclusion:
Please don't treat vtubers the same as you would a cute anime boy/girl png in a gacha game. They are living individuals who can see, and be affected by what you're saying towards them. Please don't be disrespectful and treat them as you would any other real person. If you must be horny for them, please at least do so in a private space.

I mean I'm sure anyone reading my journal is a totally cool person who would never do that, so I'm not speaking to you, I'm speaking into the wide void of the internet.

Sorry for such a long post, I felt like finally getting this off my chest. Thank you for reading.

To whoever it was that wished me a happy new year 2022 in my World of Text thingy, you made me smile I really appreciate you. 💞


I made a new link button! I think it turned out really cute. I downloaded an old version of Photoshop and used that and ImageReady to make it.
I'd never used ImageReady or such an old version of Photoshop before. It's so easy to figure out compared to new versions of Photoshop...
If you have my old button on your site I would be really happy if you replaced it with the new one. It's just so much fancier and cuter!

also I kind of wanted to reject birdsite again and use an account on fedi but the old pleroma instance I had an account on seems to have died, so I made a new account on a Misskey instance if anyone wants to follow me. Please don't hesitate I want more pals.

I want to play all the otome games I have for my PS2 but I don't have a TV right now. Sad.

Besides that though, I haven't really felt like playing otome games much at all recently. I have some for my Switch that I still haven't finished yet. I really have to get around to it.
Vtubers have just totally overwritten everything I feel like doing lately. It's like that smoking bad episode of Ozzy and Drix that the naughty little smoker fellow goes up into the boy's brain and replaces all his interests with smoking. Instead of smoking it's vtubers though, and the one I've been watching most just so happens to be a heavy smoker, haha.

If you looked at my home page, you may have noticed I've started reading Angel Sanctuary. I've been meaning to try reading it for ages. I actually own a CD of the drama CD adaptation's soundtrack, despite not having touched the manga or any of its adaptations. When I was buying stuff on Surugaya ages ago the soundtrack's cover caught my eye and I bought it on a total whim. The cover art is beautiful, and the soundtrack itself actually matched the beauty of the cover, luckily for me. It's a rather long manga and I've hardly scratched the surface yet, but I'm enjoying it. The art is gorgeous.

I have a lot more free time recently, so I should really give this site more attention. It's still not dead yet! Even though I've been so slow with updates...
I would really love to give it a total makeover, I'm a little bored with the current aesthetic. That would be a lot of work though. Don't expect it soon unless I get really bored at some point. If I were going to do a full makeover, I want to try my hand at making my own graphics for it. I've never done much of anything artsy in the past apart from the little amount of drawing I can manage, but I think it would be cool to try. And I'd love to let anyone else use the graphics I make too if they'd like!

I want to try and do more kinds of creative ventures with the extra free time I have at the moment, but I keep just getting lazy and watching vtuber streams all day long.

Speaking of vtubers. In vtuber related news, Nijisanji debuted a group of English language focused boys. I tried watching them but didn't really enjoy the style of their activities. They seem like they operate more like streamers than traditional company vtubers to me. They seem nice if you're into that kind of content though.


Thank you very much for reading to whoever has read this far, if anyone. I appreciate you.

Hey.
Been a while, huh?

I still haven't abandoned this site it's always been at the back of my mind. I hope I can stop being so busy soon and have more free time for it to be not in the back of my mind.

Thank you all for over 150 followers. That's a lot by neocities standards. I appreciate so many total strangers having any kind of interest in my little corner of the internet. It makes me smile, thank you.

In what is now old news because of how long it's been since I've done any updates, I have a new vtuber oshi. I didn't think I would end up with any more than the 4 I had before but Anycolor just had to debut a new Nijisanji Liver who I just had to end up falling in love with right from his first stream. It was inevitable.

Yes. It's that man. That new Nijisanji debut. Leos Vincent. I could list off many of the things I like about him, but it would start to sound like I'm badmouthing him. I love him. He's a very gross cute person. I really enjoy watching him, and I like the choice of games he usually streams. Yes, Leos, continue playing lots of retro games like the old man you are. He's such a weird and interesting person. I really like him.

I need to update my vtuber page to put him on it but I have no time woohoo. I'm so tired. I'm tired.

I'm so terribly tired.

I'm really tired. I've been so busy lately I hardly even have time to keep up with my favorite vtubers' streams.

I miss talking with a group of my friends lately. I used to talk with them a lot about common interests but a little while ago we ended up getting into different things and now we haven't talked much at all in a while. I'm really awful at keeping in touch with people and talking with them when we arent into the same stuff. I'm bad at talking and only know how to talk about my interests so I can't hold a conversations unless I'm talking about something I like either with, or at the people/s I'm talking with. It kinda sucks. How do socially capable people just so easily hold conversations. It's crazy.

There is also the general problem that lately I am so mentally tired that I can hardly find the will to talk with people, even though I want to. It can be fun but also exhausting for a massive introvert like me.


On a positive note, Miitopia for the Switch is coming out soon. I'm looking forward to playing it and making my party filled with all my favorite vtubers and having fun adventuring together with them.

The Most Followed sites order is still fricking broken. I remember making it onto the very bottom of the first page like a day before it broke and then I was gone... I'm not slightly mad about that or anything.

Anyway, I made my main vtuber page finally, the thing I've been saying I'm gonna make for ages now. There's still lots more work to do because I wanna make a separate page for each of my favourites. If I start working on them any time soon I'll probably make Yumeoi's page first. Just because he's the one I've been watching most lately.

I like the way the look of my vtuber page turned out. Although I was lazy and mostly I just copied the code from my about page and changed it a little bit... So basically, I'm not proud of it or anything but I like it! I wanted to use a cool pixel background for the page and I got very pedantic while trying to pick one out. I wanted one that really fit the aesthetic of my idea of 'virtual entertainers.' I couldn't find something that totally fit my idea but it's still very lovely.


ゆめおくん…ウマ娘はいいぞ…！！ライスちゃんめちゃくちゃかわいいからやろうなっ…！！！

普通は野郎と接するライスちゃんや他のウマ娘たちなんて見たくねえし嫌だ(ウマ娘の世界に男が存在しなければいいと思ってる)けどぼくの推しはぼくの頭の中ではみんな実質女の子だからいいの。ゆめおくん早く誘惑に負けてウマ娘やれよ

I haven't updated in over a month again. I keep saying I'm going to make/update pages but then I don't. I apologise to all those of you waiting on the edge of your seats for my updates (there's no one like that).

I'm still as obsessed with vtubers as ever. And I love my favorites as always.

I think it would be cool if I could make more friends with people on here, but I'm a bit too shy for open chatrooms and such things. If anyone is bored and feels like talking at/with someone about anything, it can be whatever, I would love to get emails. I always check the email I have listed in the contact section on my about page whenever I update and every here and there even when I don't but I think I've only ever gotten an email from someone once. There's no need to be hesitant to ever talk with me or anything, if I ever seen unsociable that is just become I am shy.

Thank you for reading.

It has been a whole month since I last updated. Oops.

I've been so busy... doing nothing. I hardly have any motivation to do anything lately. Even moreso than before. All I do is watch my favorite vtubers' streams and sleep.

Looking at the English speaking part of the internet lately, it would seem that the vtuber boom has really gotten to full swing there as well. Not just watching anymore, many people are becoming independant vtubers themselves. Of course they've become very popular in the communities of other languages as well, but I don't have much to say about that since I can only speak English and (poor) Japanese. It's gotten so large that even several of my friends and friends of friends have started making or getting their own Live2D models and streaming with them.

I'm not exactly an expert in vtubers of the English-speaking world, but of the ones I've happened to stumble across I've noticed a common trend in that a lot of the Indie vtubers (independant, self-produced, not managed by a company) seem to have an obvious direct connection with their primary non-virtual internet identity. They don't try to hide who the soul is. Obviously I'm not criticising as they're individuals doing it as a hobby having fun, and there are a few very well known vtubers like that on the Japanese side as well. I just sort of wonder if the reasoning for them to be like this is due to just a personal choice, or because of a lack of knowledge on what virtual Youtubers are (or can be) as an existence.

That's of course not to say that this particular type of vtuber is bad though. Plenty of them are still good entertaining streamers regardless, like Inuyama Tamaki for example. But it's a bit different from my ideal and what I love about vtubers. I doubt a vtuber of this type could ever become a favorite of mine. Although I have no plans to, if I were to become a vtuber then only my very closest friends and those I work (such as the character designer) would ever know.

Maybe this is just an overgeneralisation on my part, but I feel like people in the English-speaking world have a harder time grasping the concept of vtubers being a separate person from their soul. The culture of trying to find out information about, and the faces of the souls of popular vtubers seems to be much more rampant among English-speaking fans. Or at least they're much less sneaky about it. I hate seeing people being overly fixated on the faces of the souls of the members of a certain popular group of girls. It's against the culture and general manners of the vtuber business, and I personally see it as just a straight-up disrespectful invasion of privacy.

I won't lie though, I'm somewhat guilty of looking for information about souls in the past. Although I haven't in a long time. I never wanted to see their faces though, that was a line I really didn't want to cross. I did unfortunately happen to accidentally see the face of one of them as I was looking at their Twitter account. The soul of a vtuber I really like. It's something that I really regret. Not because they were unattractive (they weren't unattractive) or some stupid vain reason like that. I don't care what they look like, but because it just felt wrong.

I just like my favorites being being the partially fictional, partially real characters existing in real-time in a virtual world similar to our own but separate.
But maybe I'm just dumb and romancising/idealising them too much.
It's probably that.

TL;DR stupid gross otaku-kun overthinking way too much.

When I stop being lazy I really want to make a page dedicated to my favorite vtubers. At first I think I'll just put a bit of info on them all gathered on one page, but later I might back individual pages for all of them.

I mentioned in my last entry that I was gonna start watching Akagi in the hopes that by watching it I would figure out the basics of Riichi Mahjong. I was so naive. I was hoping it would be like how I eventually figure out the rules of a sport gradually as I watch a sports anime, but it wasn't that simple... I had absolutely no idea what was happening and just gave up and learned the basics of the game the boring normal way. Thank you to the indie jp vtubers who have made tutorial videos. Makea's video for absolute beginners was very easy to understand.

After getting a haphazard grasp of the basics of Riichi Mahjong I went back to watching Akagi and could actually kinda understand what was happening, amazing! I still have no idea about nearly all of the Yaku and can't for the life of me memorise how Bakaze works but I'll get there. Also this list I came across that has all or nearly all of the Japanese Riichi Mahjong terminology is incredibly helpful. There's so many damn words (as far as I know) entirely specific to the game it's such a hassle...

picture of the day (click me!)

Happy New Year, fellow netsurfers. I hope everyone who reads this has had a good New Year.

I had a nice New Year's Eve because Gaku did a 年越し stream. He streamed through the moment it hit New Year in Japan. The time difference between my country and Japan leaves me with conflicted feelings of "it would have been fun to spend my moment of it becoming the new year together with him" and "I got to spend midnight on New Year's Day with [REDACTED] so it's okay."

All I've done with my free time since the middle of last year is just watch vtubers. It's a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I love them, and a curse because I have no time for anything else. It's hard to keep up with everything I want to. I haven't finished playing any otome games apart from a few short free/doujin titles, and I've hardly played FFxiv at all. I want to get back to playing more otome games and FFxiv but I can't find the motivation to. Hopefully I'll find that motivation soon.

Anyway I'm off to watch Akagi in the hopes that by the time I finish watching it I'll understand how the heck Mahjong is played in time for the Nijisanji Mahjong tournament. I finally watched the second season of Kaiji recently it was very good.

I ditched the miniblog because while I did want to update it more, it bothered me that it would show up on everyone's feeds if I did so I kinda just left it and if I just leave it then what's the point of a miniblog I might as well just stick to these chunky larger updates.

Gakukun did a Mario Kart audience participation stream today and I kind of wanted to try joining but then I realised I don't know where my copy of Mario Kart is at the moment... Sad. Then I also realised that I don't have Nintendo Online so I would have had to pay money just to have the chance to maybe play with him so that made me not mind as much. It was a very fun time anyway. Gakukun please do your homework and get some more sleep...

it still feels very strange to me to have favorite characters that (more or less) are real people that exist in realtime. I've never given a damn about any real life celebrities, famous actors or musicians or such. The closest I would get is my fondness of Japanese voice actors perhaps, but that's simply just a 'I like their voice acting and enjoy hearing them in many things and sometimes seeing them on shows or whatnot' kind of thing. Actually becoming attached to a person to the point I would a fictional character is very new to me. I mean they are still kind of fictional characters but... the plane of existence vtubers are on is a strange place.

Honestly recently I have been in a particularly bad place mentally and I think that possibly because of this I might have become slightly, just a little bit, emotionally dependant on them. Which is probably a bad thing because I've always thought that becoming too emotionally attached to a stranger you don't actually know like a celebrity can be a dangerous thing. But oh well it's fine I guess. Who cares. They save me from feeling too incredibly awful so it's fine especially gakukun his smile supports my heart a lot I really appreciate you sweet fox man

Hello. It's been a little while since I updated.

The lack of updates isn't entirely because of lack of motivation and ideas to update. I've also just been very busy. Compared to before I hardly have any free time to myself. I can't even properly keep up with my favorite vtubers' streams... And I haven't had time to play otome games or ffxiv at all. All I've done with my free time is struggle to keep up with vtuber streams and look at my vtuber fandom usage birdsite account.

I think this may be the busiest I've been in my life. Maybe. The most stressful too. I think my hair has started falling out because of stress. My hair as never fallen out at such a rapid pace as it has the past 2 weeks~1 month. Today I ran my fingers through my hair and a kinda small but also at the same time worringly large little clump of hair came out. Maybe I am going bald.

I hope this busy period will be over soon. I want my free time back.

マジでしんどすぎて禿げてる つら…

picture of the day

I was very sad yesterday and I still am today.

Izumo Kasumi, a Nijisanji liver, retired yesterday. I was there to watch her final stream. She retired of her own choice and on good terms, and I'm happy for her, but it still does hurt.

I'm really glad that I was able to get to know her at least a little bit before she was gone. I can't imagine how hard this must be for someone who had been following her for all over 2 years of her activities.

Kasumi was an RP heavy vtuber with an ongoing story happening throughout her career. If you don't know, RP in relation to vtubers means how much they play a character, rather than the soul(person inside, actor.) just acting as themself. This is just me, but I feel like the more RP heavy a vtuber is, the more it hurts when they disappear. The more RP heavy the vtuber is, the more of a different person they are from their soul. When one retires, it almost feels like a person is now gone.

I'm happy that she was able to see "Izumo Kasumi" through to the end, and I wish her all the best in the next stage.



If I'm this upset about her, I'm kind of scared to imagine when the time comes for Mayuzumi. I'm not sure I'll be able to take it.

It's been one month since my last update it seems. I want to update more but I have no inspiration. It's unfortunate. Also I'm lazy.

I have just been sending all my free time watching Nijisanji livers this whole time basically. Whenever I find a new obsession I seem to find it difficult to focus and put my time into doing anything else. I haven't even been playing otome games lately. And I still haven't been watching any anime. It's just vtubers all day long. In fact I'm watching Mito stream as I write this.

I didn't mention it in the previous entry a month ago, but I actually moved around the end of August. I used to live in a city but now I've moved a little ways away into a town further into the country. It's the town that I used to [REDACTED] in, so I had been visiting it very often for around 5 years up until around a year ago. Because I used to [REDACTED] in it, I was actually more familiar with it than I have been with any of the towns I've lived in. Because I never leave my home unless I have to. In just under a year the town has changed a fair bit. Definitely due to the plague. It had always been a sad looking run-down backwater town, but now it's even more sad looking. So many shops in the town's centre have closed with very few new stores coming in to replace them. It's somewhat sad seeing the town I had spent so much time in reduced to an even more sorry state. But also I'm a fan of the run-down, dilapidated, in-sambles buildings aesthetic so at least it's cool to look at. Really miss the shops that had vintage clothes though.

Since I started writing this Mito's stream ended and I'm watching Machita Chima's singing stream now. She has such a beautiful singing voice. I'm not usually that much of a fan of singing stream in general but her singing is so great even live that it's a joy to listen to.

In conclusion, Mayuzumi is still my favorite vtuber and I love him very much he's so funny and smart and cool aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
灰くん好き…好きだよ…ぶるーずハッピーアワーめっっっっっちゃよかったよ。（泣）


pictures of the day:
3d collabs with chaika in them are the best 3d collabs

Happy birthday to all of these characters.

And it's my birthday as well I guess. Went out to have lunch with my family for it, which was nice. Otherwise it was a pretty bad day. As the years go by I really enjoy my birthday less and less. I mean some of the reasons the day was bad had nothing to do with my birthday itself and it was just a coincedence that stuff happened on the same day.

Thank you to everyone for 50k site views and 130 followers. I don't express my appreciation of it much but it really does make me happy knowing that many people took even a passing interest in my little personal website that I've really only written about my niche hobbies. I don't ever write replies but I read and am thankful for every message left in my guestbook, and all the messages in the My World of Text thing too.

I want to write more about stuff, like Shachou's 3D stream which was amazing and I'll definitely mention it in a bit more detail later. But I'm struggling to gather my thoughts into words right now so I'll just leave it here.
Thank you for reading. ♡

寝て起きてまゆゆまだスマブラやってて草。大会今日だぞ黛。もう寝てもろてって言いたいけど、まゆゆそういうの言われんのあんまり好まないから言わない。でも寝て欲しい…12時間以上やって疲れてない…？

Watching vtubers, especially them playing games, so much lately has made me start feeling like playing actual video games again. A bit at least. I finally got back to playing Pokemon Shield and I'm close to beating it now. I love Raihan, Piers, Bede, and Marnie. They're all so cute. One of the Pokemon I'm using in my team needs to be traded for its final evolution to happen but I can't trade so I am reliving the suffering of no Gengar I had as a child. But this time it isn't because of no friends, it's because I don't want to pay for Nintendo Online.

Maybe now that vtubers are making me feel like playing games again, I'll finally be able to play all the games that I've wanted to play for so long but could never gather the motivation to do.

Ebio had his first 3D stream today. It was cute. He tried his best but he was so nervous. He couldn't stop fidgeting and shifting his weight left and right. It was funny when he took out his sword and tried to do cool heroic poses and ended up repeatedly clipping the sword into his head. Also ebimaru teetee. That game he played towards the end was so bad, lol. According to other listeners it is incredibly on brand for him to play random sh*tty games. I really need to watch him more. There are some people complaining about the stream because it was apparently boring to them. But I think because he is cute all is forgiven.

You may have noticed that I removed the social media links box on my homepage. All of those I had gone inactive on/wasn't really active on in the first place. And I kind of want to distance myself from using social media just because of why not. I did enjoy the time I'd spent on Fedi though. Especially talking to my Neocities mutuals on there. I don't know if you read my journals or not but if so then, hi I still appreciate you. I just didn't really like how much time I would spend on it. And although I did enjoy talking, I'm not good with interactions so there were times I'd get a bit anxious from it.

The only kind of social media thing I'm doing right now is really just my vtuber twitter account that I use to keep up with vtuber related things. And occasionally share random vtuber related thoughts. You can check it out if you want, but if you don't care about Nijisanji vtubers it'll be very boring to look at.


picture of the day

akina why are you like this?

I feel like taking a short break of just writing about nothing but my otaku media hobbies in here. It's probably pretty boring to read if you aren't also an otaku-kun. So I'm thinking I'll talk a little bit about real world things.

I say that, but I've had next to no contact to the outside world ever since my workplace temporarily shut down because of the plague. Literally the only times I've gone out in months is just to go shopping for food and that's it. I've recently developed a fascination for trying different unusual bottled and canned drinks whenever I go to the local bargain store. They always have a lot of different drinks I never see in the standard bigger stores. My favorites I've tried so far is probably mango soda and this one bottled lychee tea.

I can't think of any other real life things that I care to talk about now... Nothing has happened. I'm just a hermit who never leaves the house. I'm not even really trying to self-quarantine or anything. This is just how much of a homebody I am, lol. If it weren't for the need for food I would happily just never ever set foot outside of my home at all.


picture(s) of the day

I still really want to make a Mayuyu shrine/fanpage. There's a lot that I want to do with it and I feel like I don't have the coding and image editing/creating skills to achieve what I want though. There's so much one can do with a Mayuyu fanpage because of how absolutely perfect his aesthetic is for the medium and I don't want to half-*ss it. So many vague ideas of cool things I could do with it...

Anyway now for a complete change in topic because I feel like talking about this.

Let me for a moment talk about,
The world of vtuber shipping and my thoughts towards it.

Before I start sharing my thoughts, I must confess that I am a dirty shipper. So this is coming from the perspective of a dirty shipper.

Vtuber shipping is kind of in a weird place because it's a bit close to shipping real people. Shipping real people is definitely something I think of as weird and don't personally endorse. But vtubers (at least in my opinion) exist in this strange realm of being real people and fictional people at the same time, kinda. It kind of varies depending on how heavy or light an individual vtuber's RP is. The level at which the soul(person inside) plays a character and isn't just themself.

I think personally think that shipping vtubers is perfectly fine as long as you obey the proper manners. The proper manners being that you keep your shipping hidden away within your own circles and avoid being able to be easily found and seen by people who aren't into your ship/s. Example: when tweeting about their ship/s, shippers with proper conduct will avoid saying things that could easily come up in searches, like directly saying the vtubers' names. Really that's very normal proper non-canon shipping conduct even regarding shipping of characters from purely fictional works.

I think the important distinction to make to have it not be weird is separating the characters on the surface and the souls within. Shipping their vtuber personas is perfect fine, but if you start like, watching their souls to get together or something, that's a bit gosh darn weird.

Talking about 小難しいこと like a true Mayuzumi listener.

Anyway now that I've written all of that both because the concept of vtubers being both real and fictional at the same time really interests me, and as a way to justify my dirty shameful shipping, let me just say-
Mayuyu and Uiha are way too cute together. Uiha's stream today killed me and many others with the sheer teetee(preciousness) of it. They're just so cute they have the absolute cutest dynamic together... myuiてぇてぇ…。

It kills me every time Mayuyu is doing his usual "I have no friends" shtick or being self-deprecating and Uiha responds like, "That's not true! You have friends! I'm your friend, I care about you!" It makes me feel so warm and happy... Even if you don't ship them in a romantic kinda way, surely you can't deny them being really adorable friends.

Uiha's original song that just got uploaded today is the nicest and sweetest song... I watched it when it premiered and it was so teetee it made me cry. The fact that it was pretty much a birthday present for her from Mayuyu and partially Ars as well is just so sweet... Mayuyu wrote the lyrics for it and it was composed by the composer(Shagma) Mayuyu usually works with. BlueS teetee....... myui teetee............（尊死）


picture of the day:

(click for bigger)
I bought a bunch of old otome games off Surugaya and they arrived today. Okay, technically two of them aren't otome games. Two of them are romance games that allow you to either play as a boy and romance girls, or play as a girl and romance boys. Also I got my fancy Angelique wallet that I preordered all the way back in like January I think.

And also my Mayuzumi T-shirt. I'm very happy to be able to wear something Mayuyu related on my person. Even though I probably won't wear it much because it's now too precious to me. Maybe I should buy a second one for regular wear?

I really need to make that Mayuyu shrine that I mentioned I might make in my last entry. I've been thinking about it here and there and I think I could really have fun with it. His general aesthetic is so good for making into a retro webpage.

Speaking of Mayuyu, since his 3D reveal he's been using 3D instead of Live2D for his regular streams as well. I am so grateful because most other Nijisanji who have a 3D don't. He's chosen a style like Ange and Ichigo and I am so happy. Thank you so much Mayuyu............ 3D Mayu is so cute it's bad for my heart.


Picture of the day:

(context: yesterday when he was streaming DbD his player name was set to SEXY_HOT_GIRL)

(dont let the scrollbar make u think this post is super long, a lot is images)
Hello. I'm back again after two months. I suddenly felt a strong urge to write here again.

Maybe some of you remember the blog post I made about vtubers a long time ago? Probably not. Anyway, I've gotten into watching vtubers again. And this time I've gotten over my irrational distaste for Live2D vtubers.
A friend got into watching the Hololive girls, and spurred by curiosity I discovered the Holostars boys. Seeing them I decided to ignore my Live2D hatred and give them a chance. And then... I got into watching Nijisanji vtubers instead.

There's quite a few Nijisanji livers I like, but there is one who I like probably 5 times more than any other vtuber.

He's Mayuzumi Kai. In a short time I have completely fallen for him
If it weren't for him, and what happened today I probably wouldn't have come back to write something here for a while longer.

He got a 3D body, and had his 3D reveal livestream earlier today. And I am feeling so thankful right now that I had become a fan of him in time to get to experience a moment like this in real time. The main part of the stream was so funny and cute. And then the C and D parts blew me away.

I originally just started watching him because I liked his voice, his general demeanour, and thought he was pretty funny. But the rabbithole was far deeper than that...

If I can stop being lazy for a short amount of time I would love to make a shrine page for him. No promises though.

I'm going to dump some favorite screencaps from the C and D parts of his 3D stream so SPOILER WARNING. Also the original(nearly certain its original) song that plays during the C part is so pretty.


(click images for larger version)


P.S.
I really need to get around to watching Lain.

the one year anniversary of my website is in two days. a week ago i was planning on maybe doing something special for it, but then i put off preparing anything and now it's only two day until then. i could probably pull something off in two days... but am i going to? probably not i'm lazy. i'll probably just put up a celebratory message on the home page.

i finished Tlicolity Eyes Vol 2. i really enjoyed it actually. i'll do that impressions page for the game i swear. probably.

my best friend's been making really nice videos about obscure old video games. i really enjoy them since i like learning about weird old things. if you're interested in that type of content definitely check out his latest video.

also i finished my first run through of the current Touken Ranbu event. it's definitely the best event yet. the event maps have a whole 3 different songs original to the event, and all the songs are so good i could listen to them for ages. the last boss theme in particular is really gorgeous. the event's story is really good and interesting. i was stupid and forgot to bring Kasen when i did my run of the event, but i just finished watching a compilation video of all the event scenes, watching the ones with regular Kasen and kiwame Kasen. dang i really missed a lot of details without Kasen in my team... i bet i would've enjoyed the story even more if i was more into japanese history and could actually understand the old time-y poetry.

as someone who's been playing swords since the very beginning. it really makes me happy to see how much swords has progression. it's come so far from having absolutely no events or new content added during the first 6 months after it's release. other mobage have literally shut down sooner after releasing than it took swords to do something lmao. before the first story event in october of 2018 (keep in mind swords released in january of 2015) the only resemblance of story that was in swords was all of the swords individual citadel, battle, internal affairs, etc lines. the short special battlefield interact lines, and the special internal affairs interactions. all those lines and scenarios mostly just taught players about the characters and not much about the setting itself at all. then the first story event landed and it was just like "we're gonna raise a whole bunch of questions and answer none of them haha." i kind of really like the mysteriousness of the setting though.

anyway i just spent literally hours just looking at swords fanart


picture of the day:

why do my entries keep ending up so long-winded? (this will too probably)

the new Touken Ranbu event started and they added two new swords you can get from it. i am in love with one of those new swords. look at him. please look at him. he's so beautiful. he talks in poems most of the time so i can hardly understand a word he says, but i love him. also the music that plays in the new event maps is soooo pretty. i really really love the touch of the church bells in the song.

A month or two ago i couldn't stop listening to Zetsuai music, and now i can't stop listening to the Earthian albums. if anyone knows of any other bl manga that got image albums in the 80s/90s/ please let me know. the music for these two have no right to be as good as they are. also please hit me up if you have the third Earthian album i don't recall seeing it where i got the first and second. my favorite Earthian song is Secret Blue on the second album because it's so funky and cheesy, and my favorite Zetsuai song is Calekka.

thinking about reviving my play log page. if i do they will be a lot shorter than my page for haruka3 was lol. i say this but i tend to ramble so maybe they won't be shorter. as i think i said with my haruka3 page, they won't be reviews. it'll just be my impressions/opinions or whatever on the games. i'm not cut out for reviews i'm too dumb for that. but i wanna talk about the games i play and i don't know, maybe some one would want to hear my thoughts? from what i hear about them, it seems like the well known popular english speaking otome game reviewers aren't that good themselves. that's just me repeating what 4chan says though, i've never read reviews from any of the popular reviewers.

if i do revive that page i'll probably start with Tlicolity Eyes. i bought it a few days ago. i felt like playing an otome game on my Switch so i bought it. i kinda considered getting Olympia Soiree since it's the hot new game on the street, but decided against it. there's no point in getting the hot new thing when i have too few otome player friends to know anyone else who got it so i couldn't really talk about it anyway. so why not just get an older game i've been interested in for a while. also maybe i just felt like playing a dumb cute little game instead of a way more plot-heavy one. i've already finished vol.1 of the game and just started on vol.2. it's successfully met my expectations of a dumb cute little game. i'll talk more about it if i ever do revive my playlog page i guess. i probably will.

in conclusion, i miss the 90s and otome is a dead hobby.


picture of the day:

I've had enough of social media. At least for the time being.

There's no dramatic reason I've decided this. I just started to feel sick of how much time i would waste on it. I used to use Twitter very actively, but steadily used it less and less. I completely stopped maybe nearing a month ago now.

I'm slightly worried about it because I have some reasons I mostly only interacted with on there recently, and I'm too useless to slide into DMs. I dont want to continue using the website i no longer want to use just because of that though. i wonder if that makes me a bad friend. maybe.

Sometimes I grow to miss the time when I had no friends, real life or online. Of course if I really wanted to I could easily go back to that. But it wouldn't be the same now that I know what it's like to have friends.
I wish I weren't a super introvert who very easily gets overwhelmed by regular social interactions. I attempt to act more personable in online interactions but really it's very draining.

i don't think i've ever gone into this much detail talking about this subject with anyone, it's pretty easy to write about it here because i'd be surprised if anyone actually reads these entries in full lol.

SUDDEN SUBJECT CHANGE

i've been reading a bunch of isekai manga the past week or so. the women target audience ones. i know isekai is mostly a bunch of cute dumb wish fulfilment schlock. but goddamn do i like cute dumb schlock honestly. also i really appreciate these manga bringing back the trope of beautiful/handsome mysterious man with long black hair. if you look at my husband you can tell i like that trope haha. thank you isekai manga. if anyone's interested in checking out women's target audience isekai, the anime adaptation for the first modern joseimuke isekai LN is airing right now. it's called hamefura/my next life as a villainess. it's pretty cute. in trying to prevent her death, the protagonist ends up unwittingly building herself a harem of both boys and girls, and she's too thick to realise it. despite being dense she's a fun protagonist though. I'd be part of her harem.

maybe since i've abandoned social media i'll actually update this journal more often. i wish i could abandon discord too but i don't want to lose ALL of my friends.


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